Squirrel Stack DevOps Haikus: Pager Poetry in 5-7-5

Pager screams at three.
Coffee cold. Wife rolls over.
"It's just a node," I lie.

Push notification:
"CRITICAL: prod is down. Now."
I just pushed nothing.

Five thirty AM.
Slack says "thanks for the recovery!"
I never woke up.

On-call rotation:
Like Russian roulette but slower.
And with PagerDuty.

YAML errors fall
Like leaves in autumn breezes
Squirrels softly weep

Pod evicted, sad.
ConfigMap was the wrong shape.
Engineer says: tabs.

kubectl get pods
Returns one in CrashLoopBackOff
Always the same one

Helm chart upgrade.
Three values changed. Six broke.
We do not roll back.

Friday deploy ships.
"What could go wrong?" we whispered.
Everything. The list.

Canary deploy:
Two percent of users now cry.
We call that a win.

Rollback succeeded.
But the database migration
Did not. Goodbye, queue.

Blue-green deployment:
One environment, three names.
Production is grey.

Logs say "OK now."
Customer says "still broken."
Who do I believe?

One day all of this
Will be a different person's
Tech debt. Until then.

"Works on my machine."
The two saddest words a dev
Has ever spoken.

Squirrel buries nut.
Forgets where. Plants new forest.
That's my git workflow.

The model said "deploy."
We clicked the button at three.
Prod is now in French.

RAG returned the doc
From the incident three years past.
We are still on call.

Prompt says "fix prod."
Agent opens nine pull requests.
All rename the queue.

Postmortem drafted
By the model that caused it.
"No action items."

NutToggle flips on.
Beta users become all users.
Sales calls this traction.

"Quick question," he typed.
Three paragraphs followed it.
The question was no.

Standup runs too long.
Someone is sharing their screen.
The screen says "loading."

Green dashboard glows.
Metrics stopped twelve hours ago.
Leadership says ship.

Acorns in cache sleep.
TTL was set to "vibes."
Winter claims the key.

Since the Snack Outage
Hazel has not slept the same.
Bjorn was never charged.

There once was a deploy on Friday,
Whose author had said "it's a high day."
The pager went off,
The CTO scoffed,
And nobody slept until Sunday.

A model was trained on its own,
Eval set, that we built in our home.
It scored a clean hundred,
The earnings call thundered,
Then prod found a use case unknown.